How It All Begins (and Ends)
My parents (step-dad, and mom) have been married for just over 22 years now. Prior to them marrying, my mom had been married to my biological father, who was a real piece of work (drugs, crime, abuse), from what I've been told. My mom left him at some point after I was born. I don't know him, or have anything to do with him or his family. Eventually, she met my dad, and they began dating. A few weeks before my 2nd birthday, they were married. A few years later they had my two brothers (who are now 19 and 20).
For years my parents have argued, primarily over money. I remember fearing as a child that my parents would get divorced. They usually tried to be good about not fighting in front of us. But, even late at night, with all the doors closed, you could still hear them fighting through the thin walls.
Within the past few years, things have gotten exponentially worse. My dad has been suspicious for some time now that my mother has been hiding large amounts of money (in the tens of thousands of dollars). He began collecting "evidence" that my mom was doing something wrong. He even accused her of cheating a few times (supposedly once he accused her of having a lesbian affair with a friend of hers, according to my mom). He'd go through her phone records, computer records, purse, drawers, calendars, notebooks (where he'd pull out pages that supposedly had impressions on them from the pages that had been written on top of them, and then he'd use pencil to try to trace the impressions. These notes supposedly said all kinds of horrible things that "proved" that my my mom was doing the stuff he accused her of). He ran background checks on her. Even followed her places on occasion. He had to prove that my mom was up to something. He was amassing all of these papers as "proof," yet would never show her any of it. And over the past few months he was getting worse and worse. He had convinced his brother and some of his coworkers that my mom had such a conspiracy. He was never physically violent towards my mom, but he'd get angry with her, and yell at her about this stuff, demanding answers. He changed the locks on her once a couple of weeks ago.
Last year I learned that my father had been using methamphetamine since at least 2002 (he now claims he stopped this past February). Later he stated he was using it as a "tool" to cope with working 50+ hours a week in a job he hates, and to cope with all the stress he was feeling. My concern is that these drugs have caused him to suffer from an altered state of reality. Because of something he accused my mom of writing on one of these pieces of notebook paper, that there is no way my mom could have known about, I now am 100% certain that my dad is suffering from some form of dementia.
That's not to say my mom doesn't have issues, too. My mom is a very aggressive, "independent," controlling type of woman. She stayed home to raise us while my dad worked (though she did have a flower business she quit last year, because she felt my dad pressured her out of it, and at other times had worked either in retail, or at home based jobs). My mom was the kind of mom that was always up in our business. She was always at the school taking care of things, or making sure we stayed out of trouble, or staying on top of who we were hanging out with and what we were doing. In her marriage, she could get very angry, and hurt, and defensive. She does have a tendency to over-blow things a bit, and get a bit dramatic. And when she gets angry, she can bust out her claws. But, generally I believe my mom is a good woman with a long history of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, and mental) in her past. I'm sure my mom has a hand in the failure of their marriage, and that it isn't all just my dad. Though, I think the dementia my dad seems to be suffering through is the straw that ultimately broke the camel's back.
A little more than a week ago we had an "intervention" with my mom, my brothers, and my mom's brother and sister. My dad showed us some of this "evidence." As a highly educated, and logical individual I had some problems with this stuff. I'd confront him about it, but he'd either somehow manage to avoid answering it, or he'd have some crafty and "convincing" answer to give. The night after, he sent me an email with a scan of some letter my mother allegedly wrote (that he traced from the page that was under it). In it was mention of a bank account with over $28k. It also said "Prey [sic] this keeps my secret for two more years" and mentioned March 28, 2006 as being of some significance. It called my father a bunch of nasty names like "pervert" "sicko" and "fucker." The writing looked nothing like my mom's (though my dad claimed it's not going to look like her writing when you trace it), and it didn't sound like anything my mom would write, either. After, he talked to me for an hour about all the evidence he had, and how upset he was, and how he didn't know what to do. He suggested my mom was schizophrenic and had some dual personality disorder or something, and maybe didn't even realize what she was doing. He said she always had an issue with money (which my dad has always had an issue with money). And he said she was always concerned with what other people thought of her (which sounds a lot like something my dad does himself).
After talking with him, I was left feeling confused. I didn't know what to believe anymore. Some of his "evidence" seemed compelling. I thought that the meth use could be causing paranoia, anxiety, and an altered state of reality. I even told him that, and he countered it. He sounded so convincing. He sounded so sane. And I hurt for him. And I hurt for my mom, too.
On Monday, my dad served my mom with divorce papers. Shortly before, he left the house, and from what I found out today, has been staying with his parents. My mom called me Monday night to tell me. In the course of the conversation, she also said something to me that, as I mentioned before, convinced me that my dad isn't all there, and that these "notes" my mom supposedly wrote were probably (consciously or not) written by him.
As the oldest, I have been thrown right in the middle. I had let my mom vent to me for years. My dad never really got that close to any of us. Last week I started feeling so overwhelmed by everything that I was having nightmares, couldn't sleep, developed a migraine, and generally felt out of it. So, I started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. She told me my family had an issue with boundaries, and that I was involving myself too much in THEIR business. I know she is right, but extracting myself from all of this is very hard to do. I have codependent tendencies. I have a bad habit of being responsible for other people, and trying to fix their problems, and do things for them. And I've been doing just that with my parents.
I'm now trying to come to terms with the fact that it is not my place to be the mediator (which coincidentally I am a state certified mediator in my community) for their marriage problems. I'm trying to accept that I can't allow myself to be so wrapped up in their fight, and that if I want to save my relationship with both of them, I need to step back and tell both of them "I love you, and want to maintain my relationships with both of you. But, I can't do that when I'm being put in a position to be judge and jury for your marriage. This is your problem, not that of me and my brothers, and you both need to deal with this without dragging us into it. Otherwise, it's just causing us even more anger, frustration, grief, confusion, and pain than we already have to deal with because of the divorce."
I talked to my youngest brother about that earlier, and told him I'd be happy to speak for him, too, and tell everyone to just leave us (adult) kids out of it. But, my brother doesn't seem to truly get it. He's living at home, so understandably it's hard to physically get away from all of it. But, when I told him he has a right to not be dragged into this, and a right to say "This is your problem, and I don't want to be put in the middle of it" he seemed like he didn't want to do that. I'm also concerned because he seems to be playing a game of taking sides (primarily with my dad), though he says he isn't. And I think that both of my parents need to realize that their behavior is unfair to us, and that they need to just leave us out of it. It is obvious to me that my youngest brother isn't strong enough to see or really understand how much damage he's doing to himself by being as involved as he is. I know I can't save him, and he has to make his own choices. But, my parents are our PARENTS and they should know better.
One of my big fears in this whole thing is losing my family, and my past. For reasons that I'd prefer not to get into right now, I don't have much of a relationship with most of my mom's side of the family. Most of my family growing up was on my (step) dad's side. I know I can certainly still have a relationship with my dad, and with all of them. But, I'm afraid my mom will be secretly hurt if I did. I want to be as fair about it as possible. But how do you extract fairness out of any of this?! I know my mom told me that she doesn't have a problem with me continuing to have a relationship with my dad. But will she feel hurt and/or betrayed if I went and spent a holiday with my dad's family, and not her?
Oh, God, the holidays. I really don't even want to think about those. To think that in March we had all of the family over to my parent's for Easter. And last Christmas will be our last as a family. All of the things I treasured growing up are gone. I feel so lost and so empty. And I'm scared of moving forward. I'm scared of the pain I know I'm going to have to endure. How do other people cope with it? Family is supposed to be about togetherness. And now it's all falling apart! This is so wrong.
This morning my dad sent me an email saying "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not leaving your Mom, I really had no choice in that, but in writing this. I have to fight back tears thinking I might lose you or that somehow your Mom has been able to convince you of what she thinks. You asked me why she would do all this, I'm pretty sure I know why. I don't know if you want to talk to me or not. I hope you do. Your brothers would like to hear from you as well. E-mail me if you want to talk. Love, Dad"
This is all just driving me so crazy. Every now and then I feel like I turn into a little 7 year old wishing her mommy and daddy would just kiss and make it better. But, I'm 25, and smart enough to know when it's over. A divorce is probably what's best for the both of them. And hopefully they'll both be able to find happiness. Though, of course, considering how unhappy I am, it's hard to imagine them happy.
I keep thinking about how they would have celebrated 25 years in only 2 1/2 years. Before all of this, I had thought I'd arrange a big party for them. And I couldn't wait. Now, there's a good chance neither of my parents will EVER get to celebrate such a milestone. And that hurts my heart tremendously. I can only imagine how they must feel about the whole thing.
For years my parents have argued, primarily over money. I remember fearing as a child that my parents would get divorced. They usually tried to be good about not fighting in front of us. But, even late at night, with all the doors closed, you could still hear them fighting through the thin walls.
Within the past few years, things have gotten exponentially worse. My dad has been suspicious for some time now that my mother has been hiding large amounts of money (in the tens of thousands of dollars). He began collecting "evidence" that my mom was doing something wrong. He even accused her of cheating a few times (supposedly once he accused her of having a lesbian affair with a friend of hers, according to my mom). He'd go through her phone records, computer records, purse, drawers, calendars, notebooks (where he'd pull out pages that supposedly had impressions on them from the pages that had been written on top of them, and then he'd use pencil to try to trace the impressions. These notes supposedly said all kinds of horrible things that "proved" that my my mom was doing the stuff he accused her of). He ran background checks on her. Even followed her places on occasion. He had to prove that my mom was up to something. He was amassing all of these papers as "proof," yet would never show her any of it. And over the past few months he was getting worse and worse. He had convinced his brother and some of his coworkers that my mom had such a conspiracy. He was never physically violent towards my mom, but he'd get angry with her, and yell at her about this stuff, demanding answers. He changed the locks on her once a couple of weeks ago.
Last year I learned that my father had been using methamphetamine since at least 2002 (he now claims he stopped this past February). Later he stated he was using it as a "tool" to cope with working 50+ hours a week in a job he hates, and to cope with all the stress he was feeling. My concern is that these drugs have caused him to suffer from an altered state of reality. Because of something he accused my mom of writing on one of these pieces of notebook paper, that there is no way my mom could have known about, I now am 100% certain that my dad is suffering from some form of dementia.
That's not to say my mom doesn't have issues, too. My mom is a very aggressive, "independent," controlling type of woman. She stayed home to raise us while my dad worked (though she did have a flower business she quit last year, because she felt my dad pressured her out of it, and at other times had worked either in retail, or at home based jobs). My mom was the kind of mom that was always up in our business. She was always at the school taking care of things, or making sure we stayed out of trouble, or staying on top of who we were hanging out with and what we were doing. In her marriage, she could get very angry, and hurt, and defensive. She does have a tendency to over-blow things a bit, and get a bit dramatic. And when she gets angry, she can bust out her claws. But, generally I believe my mom is a good woman with a long history of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, and mental) in her past. I'm sure my mom has a hand in the failure of their marriage, and that it isn't all just my dad. Though, I think the dementia my dad seems to be suffering through is the straw that ultimately broke the camel's back.
A little more than a week ago we had an "intervention" with my mom, my brothers, and my mom's brother and sister. My dad showed us some of this "evidence." As a highly educated, and logical individual I had some problems with this stuff. I'd confront him about it, but he'd either somehow manage to avoid answering it, or he'd have some crafty and "convincing" answer to give. The night after, he sent me an email with a scan of some letter my mother allegedly wrote (that he traced from the page that was under it). In it was mention of a bank account with over $28k. It also said "Prey [sic] this keeps my secret for two more years" and mentioned March 28, 2006 as being of some significance. It called my father a bunch of nasty names like "pervert" "sicko" and "fucker." The writing looked nothing like my mom's (though my dad claimed it's not going to look like her writing when you trace it), and it didn't sound like anything my mom would write, either. After, he talked to me for an hour about all the evidence he had, and how upset he was, and how he didn't know what to do. He suggested my mom was schizophrenic and had some dual personality disorder or something, and maybe didn't even realize what she was doing. He said she always had an issue with money (which my dad has always had an issue with money). And he said she was always concerned with what other people thought of her (which sounds a lot like something my dad does himself).
After talking with him, I was left feeling confused. I didn't know what to believe anymore. Some of his "evidence" seemed compelling. I thought that the meth use could be causing paranoia, anxiety, and an altered state of reality. I even told him that, and he countered it. He sounded so convincing. He sounded so sane. And I hurt for him. And I hurt for my mom, too.
On Monday, my dad served my mom with divorce papers. Shortly before, he left the house, and from what I found out today, has been staying with his parents. My mom called me Monday night to tell me. In the course of the conversation, she also said something to me that, as I mentioned before, convinced me that my dad isn't all there, and that these "notes" my mom supposedly wrote were probably (consciously or not) written by him.
As the oldest, I have been thrown right in the middle. I had let my mom vent to me for years. My dad never really got that close to any of us. Last week I started feeling so overwhelmed by everything that I was having nightmares, couldn't sleep, developed a migraine, and generally felt out of it. So, I started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. She told me my family had an issue with boundaries, and that I was involving myself too much in THEIR business. I know she is right, but extracting myself from all of this is very hard to do. I have codependent tendencies. I have a bad habit of being responsible for other people, and trying to fix their problems, and do things for them. And I've been doing just that with my parents.
I'm now trying to come to terms with the fact that it is not my place to be the mediator (which coincidentally I am a state certified mediator in my community) for their marriage problems. I'm trying to accept that I can't allow myself to be so wrapped up in their fight, and that if I want to save my relationship with both of them, I need to step back and tell both of them "I love you, and want to maintain my relationships with both of you. But, I can't do that when I'm being put in a position to be judge and jury for your marriage. This is your problem, not that of me and my brothers, and you both need to deal with this without dragging us into it. Otherwise, it's just causing us even more anger, frustration, grief, confusion, and pain than we already have to deal with because of the divorce."
I talked to my youngest brother about that earlier, and told him I'd be happy to speak for him, too, and tell everyone to just leave us (adult) kids out of it. But, my brother doesn't seem to truly get it. He's living at home, so understandably it's hard to physically get away from all of it. But, when I told him he has a right to not be dragged into this, and a right to say "This is your problem, and I don't want to be put in the middle of it" he seemed like he didn't want to do that. I'm also concerned because he seems to be playing a game of taking sides (primarily with my dad), though he says he isn't. And I think that both of my parents need to realize that their behavior is unfair to us, and that they need to just leave us out of it. It is obvious to me that my youngest brother isn't strong enough to see or really understand how much damage he's doing to himself by being as involved as he is. I know I can't save him, and he has to make his own choices. But, my parents are our PARENTS and they should know better.
One of my big fears in this whole thing is losing my family, and my past. For reasons that I'd prefer not to get into right now, I don't have much of a relationship with most of my mom's side of the family. Most of my family growing up was on my (step) dad's side. I know I can certainly still have a relationship with my dad, and with all of them. But, I'm afraid my mom will be secretly hurt if I did. I want to be as fair about it as possible. But how do you extract fairness out of any of this?! I know my mom told me that she doesn't have a problem with me continuing to have a relationship with my dad. But will she feel hurt and/or betrayed if I went and spent a holiday with my dad's family, and not her?
Oh, God, the holidays. I really don't even want to think about those. To think that in March we had all of the family over to my parent's for Easter. And last Christmas will be our last as a family. All of the things I treasured growing up are gone. I feel so lost and so empty. And I'm scared of moving forward. I'm scared of the pain I know I'm going to have to endure. How do other people cope with it? Family is supposed to be about togetherness. And now it's all falling apart! This is so wrong.
This morning my dad sent me an email saying "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not leaving your Mom, I really had no choice in that, but in writing this. I have to fight back tears thinking I might lose you or that somehow your Mom has been able to convince you of what she thinks. You asked me why she would do all this, I'm pretty sure I know why. I don't know if you want to talk to me or not. I hope you do. Your brothers would like to hear from you as well. E-mail me if you want to talk. Love, Dad"
This is all just driving me so crazy. Every now and then I feel like I turn into a little 7 year old wishing her mommy and daddy would just kiss and make it better. But, I'm 25, and smart enough to know when it's over. A divorce is probably what's best for the both of them. And hopefully they'll both be able to find happiness. Though, of course, considering how unhappy I am, it's hard to imagine them happy.
I keep thinking about how they would have celebrated 25 years in only 2 1/2 years. Before all of this, I had thought I'd arrange a big party for them. And I couldn't wait. Now, there's a good chance neither of my parents will EVER get to celebrate such a milestone. And that hurts my heart tremendously. I can only imagine how they must feel about the whole thing.
posted by Dani | 4:47 PM
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