Reforging Relationships

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my dad. It'll be the first time I've really spoken to him since those frantic phone calls back and forth between he and my mom a week before my dad filed for divorce. It took my dad almost a week to respond to my response to his original email (as mentioned in the previous post). In it he said:

"You don't know how happy I am that you will talk to me. To be honest I was worried that you wouldn't respond or if you did I was (and I still am) afraid that you might only have negative thoughts and feelings towards me. I love you Danielle. I always have, from the first day I met you. Your Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and I all feel the same. You are a part of us and we all want it to stay that way. I don't know how to tread here except to say this." (followed by an invite to have dinner)

I agreed to meet him, and Monday night he called to confirm. One of the first things he said was "I don't know what I am. Dad? Stepdad? Something else?" I told him "You're still my dad." It was such an awkwardly painful conversation. And I'm afraid tonight is going to be even worse.

I'm feeling so angry about my parent's decision to split up. This isn't easy for me to deal with at all. Here I am watching the death of my family and my childhood, and I'm absolutely powerless to stop it. I feel so badly for both of my parents (regardless of whose "fault" all of this was), but for my own sanity I've had to step away as much as possible. Being wrapped up in the middle of it is like being trapped in a room with the walls closing in on you. I feel so doomed.

When mentioning how anxious I am about having dinner with my dad, someone told me to "have low expectations. Don't expect to hear what you would like to hear, but say the things you need to." I guess that's all I can do. If nothing else, I need to tell my dad that I can't be put in the middle of their fight, and that it would probably be best for my brothers if they weren't thrown in the middle, too. Outside of that, I guess the only other thing I really need to say is that I don't want to abandon my relationship with him or my family, but that right now I need some space to start healing myself. I hope he understands, on both accounts.

Fortunately it seems my mom does. She called me a week and a half ago, and brought up the conversation about leaving my brothers and I out of the fight herself. She said her attorney told her not to drag us into the middle, or make us pick sides. I was so glad my mom initiated the conversation, and that she seemed to really understand. I haven't really spoken to her since that conversation. She did call me this morning, though, to tell me she wanted to meet with me and my brothers on Monday to discuss some issues that need decisions (like about the house, the dog, and other things). I didn't really ask her for details. But, hopefully it will be all business (as much as something as emotional as losing everything you know can be business).

Right now, I feel so overwhelmingly lost. A massive part of my world and my identity is crumbling down around me. I'm losing my family, my childhood, my parents (as I have always known them), quite possibly my home, my traditions, and my hopes for the future. It's all being washed away, and I'm left standing on this little rock in the middle of the ocean. And I almost feel too powerless to even begin to think about how to rebuild.