Fighting the Devil
I've come down with an out of season cold. I rarely get sick as it is, so the fact that I've been hit now is a testament to how stressed I am. But right now I have an even bigger illness to fight - my dad's addiction to methamphetamine.
Monday morning, on the way out to work on BART, I was a complete zombie. To fellow passengers, I must have looked like a wreck. My eyes gazed coldly out the window, focusing on nothing, staring right through everything. The whole world looked different. It felt different. It was different.
After talking it out with a few people, the fog began to lift. This is no longer about the divorce. My dad has a disease. He's addicted to meth, and it's destroying his life. And it's only getting worse. It's probably going to continue to get worse.
Knowledge, no matter how disturbing, has always been comforting to me. When I don't understand something, I expend a lot of energy trying to figure it out. I can get quite obsessive, honestly. But, it usually helps me tremendously in getting through whatever problem it is I have. Ignorance, in my world, is not bliss. It's anything but.
So, I did what was normal for me then. I began researching meth like crazy. I needed to know what it was, what it did, how it started, who it affected, why it worked the way it did, how it could be fought, if it could be fought... My brain needed to conquer this.
Quickly I came to realize that this is not something that can just "go away." Meth is probably as bad as it gets when it comes to drugs. Think cocaine is bad? Meth is to cocaine as a nuclear bomb is to a microwave. Cocaine is easier to get off of. Meth is the Devil. From your first hit, it begins to take over your body, changing your body's chemistry, and remapping the neurotransmitters in your brain (pretty much permanently) so that you essentially cannot live without the drug. Once the Devil has invaded your body, slowly it starts to destroy your life. It shoves the real you way deep down inside, and locks you up so you can't get free.
Paranoia and delusions are known side effects of prolonged meth use. Not everyone experiences them, and the extent and manor in which they are manifested can vary widely, depending on the individual. The psychosis could be caused directly by the meth, in which case it goes away much faster after the user gets clean. But, it can also have been born from a pre-existing, but dormant condition that the meth triggered. In that case, battling the psychosis could be a lifelong fight.
There is no doubt in my mind that my father is suffering from amphetamine induced psychosis. And it's absolutely terrifying. I love my father very, very much. And I realize that if he doesn't get help, and get better, that he may die.
I know that I was trying to stay out of the middle of my parent's problems. But, this isn't "my parent's problems." This is my dad's disease that is affecting the entire family. I spent a lot of time over the last two days thinking hard about what this meant, and what I was going to do (if anything). I realized that I had two choices: I could do nothing, and hope that my dad hit rock bottom on his own, and chose to get clean, but take the very real and more likely risk that I'd be attending his funeral in the not too distant future; or I could try to do something, and face the very real risk that it wouldn't work, and that I could possibly lose my family and my father as a result of standing up to the Meth Devil.
You see, my dad's family has always had a tendency to "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil." We already tried to talk to my dad's brother about what was going on, nearly two months ago. He confronted my dad about the meth use, but my dad lied and told him he hadn't been using since February (fyi: meth users, paranoid or not, ALL lie, manipulate, and deceive those around them -- including themselves. It's part of the Meth Devil. It's a tool it uses to keep itself inside the user's body). My uncle fell for it hook line and sinker. He came back and took the stance that my dad didn't have a problem, that he wasn't using any more, and that my dad wasn't crazy. He even made some comment to the effect of "I've known hardcore drug addicts and meth users, and your dad isn't one of them. He doesn't look like them or act like them." YES HE DOES! He IS a meth user. He IS suffering from meth related psychosis. He IS sick and addicted. He IS suffering from other symptoms such as increased talkativeness, severe lack of sleep, increased energy, destruction of cherished relationships, and weight loss (particularly within the past couple of months), among other things!
My uncle's refusal to admit and accept that something is seriously wrong with my dad has me incredibly concerned. I could try to talk to my dad's family, and show them what is really going on. But, what if they don't believe me? What if they don't believe me because they don't want to believe me? What if they continue to enable my father, thinking he's not an addict, and he's not acting like a paranoid schizophrenic, because they just don't want to believe it? It's quite possible. And if they do that, I risk them alienating me as a "trouble maker." I risk losing my family, whom I love very much.
Plus, there are my brothers. At this point I don't know how convinced either of them are about my dad's delusions. I do know that my youngest brother, who has been living at my parent's house with my mom, has let my dad inside the house a few times since he left. And according to my dad, my little brother has been sneaking papers out of the house to give to him, so my dad could find more "evidence." This angers and scares me. First for my mom's safety. My dad seems to be thinking more aggressively, particularly with his threats of going to my mom's father's house, or tapping the phone lines. What if he gets into the house and hurts my mother? He hasn't been violent in the past, and he hasn't shown any serious indications that he's about to become violent. But, that doesn't mean he couldn't, and wont. Meth is a scary thing. The behavior of a meth addict can be highly unpredictable. And violence is another known side effect, particularly for those suffering from meth psychosis.
So, somehow I have to reach out to my brothers and convince them of what is happening. I need to try to get them to see that dad is sick and needs help. The longer they continue to fall for my dad's lies and manipulations, the harder a fall they are setting themselves up for. Plus, by them believing and supporting my dad's lies they are enabling his meth addiction, and preventing him from hitting bottom and realizing and seeking help.
Meth causes the user to stop caring about anything outside their addiction. The addiction takes top priority over EVERYTHING, including marriages, children, work, paying the bills, favorite hobbies, morals, values, EVERYTHING. Maintaining their body's need for meth (an actual physiological need, since every cell in the body has been trained to need meth to function) becomes more important than anything else in the world. That's why so many meth addicts lose everything. Eventually, if my brothers, or other family members continue to stay attached to my father like they are, my dad will "give up" on them, too. Eventually they won't be important. They may even stand in the way (either in reality or in his delusions) of him getting his "fix." And that will be a hard blow to all of them.
Pretending like this isn't happening will NOT make it better. So, I've decided that I must at least try to get through to the people who love my dad about what is happening. Boundaries have to be set, by everyone. We have to stop ourselves from trying to cushion his fall(s). He's gotta hit the ground ass first, all by himself, before he can even possibly start to think he may need help. And even then, it might not happen. Or his quest to get clean could very likely fail.
Let me assure you that I do realize that neither myself, nor anyone else, can convince my dad that he has a problem and that he needs help. The delusions he's experiencing truly are his reality. And only he can decide that he wants to get clean. Nobody else can do it for him. But, what we can do is set very strict boundaries, and enforce them. We can let him know that we love him but that we know he is addicted to meth. We can refuse to not believe the Meth Devil's lies and manipulations. We can pledge to be there for him when he decides to get help. We can refuse to enable him any longer so that perhaps he'll hit bottom and realize he needs help sooner. I also realize that NONE of that may even work. And I realize that by me trying to do something, I might be biting off more than I can chew. But I have to try.
I just hope my dad gets help before he ends up dead.
Monday morning, on the way out to work on BART, I was a complete zombie. To fellow passengers, I must have looked like a wreck. My eyes gazed coldly out the window, focusing on nothing, staring right through everything. The whole world looked different. It felt different. It was different.
After talking it out with a few people, the fog began to lift. This is no longer about the divorce. My dad has a disease. He's addicted to meth, and it's destroying his life. And it's only getting worse. It's probably going to continue to get worse.
Knowledge, no matter how disturbing, has always been comforting to me. When I don't understand something, I expend a lot of energy trying to figure it out. I can get quite obsessive, honestly. But, it usually helps me tremendously in getting through whatever problem it is I have. Ignorance, in my world, is not bliss. It's anything but.
So, I did what was normal for me then. I began researching meth like crazy. I needed to know what it was, what it did, how it started, who it affected, why it worked the way it did, how it could be fought, if it could be fought... My brain needed to conquer this.
Quickly I came to realize that this is not something that can just "go away." Meth is probably as bad as it gets when it comes to drugs. Think cocaine is bad? Meth is to cocaine as a nuclear bomb is to a microwave. Cocaine is easier to get off of. Meth is the Devil. From your first hit, it begins to take over your body, changing your body's chemistry, and remapping the neurotransmitters in your brain (pretty much permanently) so that you essentially cannot live without the drug. Once the Devil has invaded your body, slowly it starts to destroy your life. It shoves the real you way deep down inside, and locks you up so you can't get free.
Paranoia and delusions are known side effects of prolonged meth use. Not everyone experiences them, and the extent and manor in which they are manifested can vary widely, depending on the individual. The psychosis could be caused directly by the meth, in which case it goes away much faster after the user gets clean. But, it can also have been born from a pre-existing, but dormant condition that the meth triggered. In that case, battling the psychosis could be a lifelong fight.
There is no doubt in my mind that my father is suffering from amphetamine induced psychosis. And it's absolutely terrifying. I love my father very, very much. And I realize that if he doesn't get help, and get better, that he may die.
I know that I was trying to stay out of the middle of my parent's problems. But, this isn't "my parent's problems." This is my dad's disease that is affecting the entire family. I spent a lot of time over the last two days thinking hard about what this meant, and what I was going to do (if anything). I realized that I had two choices: I could do nothing, and hope that my dad hit rock bottom on his own, and chose to get clean, but take the very real and more likely risk that I'd be attending his funeral in the not too distant future; or I could try to do something, and face the very real risk that it wouldn't work, and that I could possibly lose my family and my father as a result of standing up to the Meth Devil.
You see, my dad's family has always had a tendency to "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil." We already tried to talk to my dad's brother about what was going on, nearly two months ago. He confronted my dad about the meth use, but my dad lied and told him he hadn't been using since February (fyi: meth users, paranoid or not, ALL lie, manipulate, and deceive those around them -- including themselves. It's part of the Meth Devil. It's a tool it uses to keep itself inside the user's body). My uncle fell for it hook line and sinker. He came back and took the stance that my dad didn't have a problem, that he wasn't using any more, and that my dad wasn't crazy. He even made some comment to the effect of "I've known hardcore drug addicts and meth users, and your dad isn't one of them. He doesn't look like them or act like them." YES HE DOES! He IS a meth user. He IS suffering from meth related psychosis. He IS sick and addicted. He IS suffering from other symptoms such as increased talkativeness, severe lack of sleep, increased energy, destruction of cherished relationships, and weight loss (particularly within the past couple of months), among other things!
My uncle's refusal to admit and accept that something is seriously wrong with my dad has me incredibly concerned. I could try to talk to my dad's family, and show them what is really going on. But, what if they don't believe me? What if they don't believe me because they don't want to believe me? What if they continue to enable my father, thinking he's not an addict, and he's not acting like a paranoid schizophrenic, because they just don't want to believe it? It's quite possible. And if they do that, I risk them alienating me as a "trouble maker." I risk losing my family, whom I love very much.
Plus, there are my brothers. At this point I don't know how convinced either of them are about my dad's delusions. I do know that my youngest brother, who has been living at my parent's house with my mom, has let my dad inside the house a few times since he left. And according to my dad, my little brother has been sneaking papers out of the house to give to him, so my dad could find more "evidence." This angers and scares me. First for my mom's safety. My dad seems to be thinking more aggressively, particularly with his threats of going to my mom's father's house, or tapping the phone lines. What if he gets into the house and hurts my mother? He hasn't been violent in the past, and he hasn't shown any serious indications that he's about to become violent. But, that doesn't mean he couldn't, and wont. Meth is a scary thing. The behavior of a meth addict can be highly unpredictable. And violence is another known side effect, particularly for those suffering from meth psychosis.
So, somehow I have to reach out to my brothers and convince them of what is happening. I need to try to get them to see that dad is sick and needs help. The longer they continue to fall for my dad's lies and manipulations, the harder a fall they are setting themselves up for. Plus, by them believing and supporting my dad's lies they are enabling his meth addiction, and preventing him from hitting bottom and realizing and seeking help.
Meth causes the user to stop caring about anything outside their addiction. The addiction takes top priority over EVERYTHING, including marriages, children, work, paying the bills, favorite hobbies, morals, values, EVERYTHING. Maintaining their body's need for meth (an actual physiological need, since every cell in the body has been trained to need meth to function) becomes more important than anything else in the world. That's why so many meth addicts lose everything. Eventually, if my brothers, or other family members continue to stay attached to my father like they are, my dad will "give up" on them, too. Eventually they won't be important. They may even stand in the way (either in reality or in his delusions) of him getting his "fix." And that will be a hard blow to all of them.
Pretending like this isn't happening will NOT make it better. So, I've decided that I must at least try to get through to the people who love my dad about what is happening. Boundaries have to be set, by everyone. We have to stop ourselves from trying to cushion his fall(s). He's gotta hit the ground ass first, all by himself, before he can even possibly start to think he may need help. And even then, it might not happen. Or his quest to get clean could very likely fail.
Let me assure you that I do realize that neither myself, nor anyone else, can convince my dad that he has a problem and that he needs help. The delusions he's experiencing truly are his reality. And only he can decide that he wants to get clean. Nobody else can do it for him. But, what we can do is set very strict boundaries, and enforce them. We can let him know that we love him but that we know he is addicted to meth. We can refuse to not believe the Meth Devil's lies and manipulations. We can pledge to be there for him when he decides to get help. We can refuse to enable him any longer so that perhaps he'll hit bottom and realize he needs help sooner. I also realize that NONE of that may even work. And I realize that by me trying to do something, I might be biting off more than I can chew. But I have to try.
I just hope my dad gets help before he ends up dead.
posted by Dani | 7:35 PM
4 Comments:
I left a boyfriend who was addicted to meth; he was absolutely unpredictable and meth was more important than I was; because I disapproved of it he distanced himself from me; I have never felt so used in all my life.
I am very sorry about your father. I can tell you that there is still hope. You mentioned several times that meth is the devil. We as humans will never defeat a fallen angel (the devil) on our own merits. We are just not strong enough. There is someone who has already defeated the devil, Jesus Christ. At calvary, where he died for our sins so we could have everlasting life, he defeated the devil. Death was brought into this world by him through sin. God says that the wages of sin is death. Jesus died for us, he paid the price for our sin. All things are possible through Christ. Pray for your father with all your heart in the name of Jesus that he have the strength to get clean. If the devil has taken hold of your father, he can be rebuked out of him in the name of Jesus. Remember, no matter how your or your father's relationship is with Christ at this moment, Jesus is merciful. He wants nothing more than you to call on him in your time of need. I have known many people including myself that have had drug problems and through Christ are now clean. I know that meth is an extremely powerful and strong drug. But it is not stronger than your love for your father and it is not stronger than Jesus' love for his children! Pray to and depend of your heavenly father to rescue your earthly father. God bless you <3
YES IM A RECOVED METH ADDICT AND JUST AS THE OTHERS COMMENT THAT JESUS IS THE ANSWER ONLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST CAN SET US FREE PRAISE GOD FIGHT AGENTS THE ENEMY BY PRAYING AND HAVING CHUCH MEMBERS PRAY. GOD IS FAIHFUL JUST BELIEVE. LOVE IS THE ANSWER GOD IS LOVE
Dear anonymous
i know what you going through, im going through the same thing but not my dad my boyfriend. he has gone completely crazy, he is accusing me of the most horrible things ie having affairs with eveybody, planting evidence, having him followed etc etc. im just about breaking point. he is currently on Risperdal to try and control the "voices" and he is on Paxil for anti depression, but is just makes it worse cause when he comes down he just wants to kill himself and me. I am a Christian and i just pray and pray, but i dont know when this is going to end. he has threatended to kill me and my family if i leave him, i dont know if he will really go to this extend but im too scared to take the chance.
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