Father's Day
It's Father's Day. I've been apprehensive about this day for a while now -- particularly since the incident with Jon and my dad happened. Friday I agonized over what to do. Do I send a card? Call my dad? Do nothing? Finally I settled on sending a card. I didn't want to do nothing at all. But I also didn't know if I could handle talking to him. I'm still angry over what happened on Jon's birthday, and I can't just pretend like nothing is wrong when it's very obvious my dad has a serious problem. To me, pretending everything is okay, and that my dad doesn't have a problem is the same as enabling him. I just can't do it.
Fast-forward to 7:45 this morning. I'm asleep in my bed when the phone rings. It's my grandparents. Did something happen? Is everything okay? A little bit of panic sets, and I wonder what could prompt them to call so early. I answer -- it's my grandmother. She apologizes for calling so early, but wanted to invite my brothers and I to an impromptu gathering tonight for Father's Day.
Fuck.
I make up some excuse about not knowing what's going on today, yet. I say I'm not sure if I can make it, but that I'll call her back in a couple of hours and let her know. Secretly I'm thinking "No! No! I can't go. I don't want to go. You don't understand -- this is wrong!" But how do I say that to my poor grandmother, who doesn't understand that something is wrong?
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I can go, put a fake smile on my face, and pretend like I'm having a good time -- mostly for my grandparent's sake. But then I have to continue pretending like everything is okay, when it's not. On the other hand, I can call and say I can't make it. But then I risk looking like a bit of a jerk and a flake on Father's Day. However, I don't know if I can handle it, emotionally.
I can't pretend like I'm not angry and scared and hurt. I can't pretend like my dad doesn't have a problem. I can't sit there and act like I don't see the elephant in the room, like everyone else seems content in doing. I don't want to put on this act until my father ends up killing himself, or hurting my mother, or something else tragic happens. I don't want to be standing there, mouth agape, saying "oh my, whatever went wrong?" like everyone else will do. Denying that there is a problem is the same as enabling it. And in my mind, when you enable, you're just as responsible for whatever happens as the person you're enabling. Sure, you probably can't stop the person from indulging in their destructive behavior, but at least you can expose the problem, and refuse to be a part of it. And then hopefully the person will wake up and get help.
I feel like I'm being forced to lose my father, and my family along with it. I just don't know if I can handle being around my dad while he's got this "secret" addiction. I can't deal with his psychotic conspiracy theories. I can't act like everything is okay for special occasions, and give my dad the impression that I'm buying into all of his bullshit. But, if I step away from my dad, I pretty much have to step away from his family. I don't know how I can go to family functions, where my dad is also in attendance. I cannot have a relationship with the meth. I cannot have a relationship with an addict father. So, what do I do? Shun my dad until he gets help and gets clean, yet still attend family functions as "normal"? Assuming my dad would also likely be there, I can't just ignore him the whole night, and pretend like he is not there.
This should be a much easier decision to make. Most people would read this and say "just don't go then." But it's not that easy. I always worry too much about other people's feelings -- sometimes to the point of sacrificing my own. I guess I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I always try to do what is "right," and what's the most considerate of others. Maybe it's my fear of abandonment that causes that. Maybe I'm afraid that if I do something selfish that others won't like me and will turn their backs on me. But maybe, for my own sake, I need to learn to be a bit of a "jerk" sometimes. I need to learn how to say "no" and feel good about it.
"No." Why does such a little word have to be so loaded? Why does it have to carry so much guilt and pain? How can a word that is so universally understood be so hard to speak?
But it's what I have to do. I have to risk looking like a "jerk" by turning down the invitation. Though, it doesn't save me from the next time. How many times can I say "no" before people just stop asking -- for good? And if I take this stance of not wanting to be around my dad until he gets help, it'll most likely mean sacrificing Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday celebrations... everything, until my dad gets better. I don't know if that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Yet, I also know I can't deal with turning a blind eye to my dad's addiction, and then acting shocked when my dad has a heart attack, or a stroke, or OD's, or kills himself, or gets arrested, or hurts my mother or someone else.
So, rock or a hard place? Which do I choose? God, this isn't fair. Why do I get to be the loser because of my dad's stupid mistake?
Anybody who says drugs are a victimless crime is an idiot. Try convincing my mother, who is losing her marriage, her dreams for the future, her family, her security, and so much more, that drugs don't hurt anyone but the user. Tell that to all the people out there like me that are struggling with coping with the unfair burden placed on their shoulders because of someone else's drug use. Tell that to the millions of children out there who have lost a parent, or who grew up in substandard conditions because their parents were more interested in getting and taking drugs than raising their kids right. Nobody starts taking drugs thinking they'll get addicted. Everyone thinks "I can stop whenever I want to." But the fact that they're still using, killing their body and their minds, says that they can't. Addiction just happens, whether you realize it or not. And by that point it's too late -- everything around you is teetering on the brink of destruction, all because of a stupid, selfish decision.
......
Well, it's done. My grandmother called to tell me she was going to the store, in case I tried calling. I told her I couldn't make it. She said my aunts and uncles would be there too, and I heard the regret in her voice as she said "well, do whatever you have to do. We'll miss you."
This isn't fair. Why should I have to be the one sacrificing and hurting because of what my dad has done? Same for my mom. She doesn't deserve the pain she's going through because of my dad's addiction to meth.
Please say there's a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel....
Fast-forward to 7:45 this morning. I'm asleep in my bed when the phone rings. It's my grandparents. Did something happen? Is everything okay? A little bit of panic sets, and I wonder what could prompt them to call so early. I answer -- it's my grandmother. She apologizes for calling so early, but wanted to invite my brothers and I to an impromptu gathering tonight for Father's Day.
Fuck.
I make up some excuse about not knowing what's going on today, yet. I say I'm not sure if I can make it, but that I'll call her back in a couple of hours and let her know. Secretly I'm thinking "No! No! I can't go. I don't want to go. You don't understand -- this is wrong!" But how do I say that to my poor grandmother, who doesn't understand that something is wrong?
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I can go, put a fake smile on my face, and pretend like I'm having a good time -- mostly for my grandparent's sake. But then I have to continue pretending like everything is okay, when it's not. On the other hand, I can call and say I can't make it. But then I risk looking like a bit of a jerk and a flake on Father's Day. However, I don't know if I can handle it, emotionally.
I can't pretend like I'm not angry and scared and hurt. I can't pretend like my dad doesn't have a problem. I can't sit there and act like I don't see the elephant in the room, like everyone else seems content in doing. I don't want to put on this act until my father ends up killing himself, or hurting my mother, or something else tragic happens. I don't want to be standing there, mouth agape, saying "oh my, whatever went wrong?" like everyone else will do. Denying that there is a problem is the same as enabling it. And in my mind, when you enable, you're just as responsible for whatever happens as the person you're enabling. Sure, you probably can't stop the person from indulging in their destructive behavior, but at least you can expose the problem, and refuse to be a part of it. And then hopefully the person will wake up and get help.
I feel like I'm being forced to lose my father, and my family along with it. I just don't know if I can handle being around my dad while he's got this "secret" addiction. I can't deal with his psychotic conspiracy theories. I can't act like everything is okay for special occasions, and give my dad the impression that I'm buying into all of his bullshit. But, if I step away from my dad, I pretty much have to step away from his family. I don't know how I can go to family functions, where my dad is also in attendance. I cannot have a relationship with the meth. I cannot have a relationship with an addict father. So, what do I do? Shun my dad until he gets help and gets clean, yet still attend family functions as "normal"? Assuming my dad would also likely be there, I can't just ignore him the whole night, and pretend like he is not there.
This should be a much easier decision to make. Most people would read this and say "just don't go then." But it's not that easy. I always worry too much about other people's feelings -- sometimes to the point of sacrificing my own. I guess I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I always try to do what is "right," and what's the most considerate of others. Maybe it's my fear of abandonment that causes that. Maybe I'm afraid that if I do something selfish that others won't like me and will turn their backs on me. But maybe, for my own sake, I need to learn to be a bit of a "jerk" sometimes. I need to learn how to say "no" and feel good about it.
"No." Why does such a little word have to be so loaded? Why does it have to carry so much guilt and pain? How can a word that is so universally understood be so hard to speak?
But it's what I have to do. I have to risk looking like a "jerk" by turning down the invitation. Though, it doesn't save me from the next time. How many times can I say "no" before people just stop asking -- for good? And if I take this stance of not wanting to be around my dad until he gets help, it'll most likely mean sacrificing Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday celebrations... everything, until my dad gets better. I don't know if that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Yet, I also know I can't deal with turning a blind eye to my dad's addiction, and then acting shocked when my dad has a heart attack, or a stroke, or OD's, or kills himself, or gets arrested, or hurts my mother or someone else.
So, rock or a hard place? Which do I choose? God, this isn't fair. Why do I get to be the loser because of my dad's stupid mistake?
Anybody who says drugs are a victimless crime is an idiot. Try convincing my mother, who is losing her marriage, her dreams for the future, her family, her security, and so much more, that drugs don't hurt anyone but the user. Tell that to all the people out there like me that are struggling with coping with the unfair burden placed on their shoulders because of someone else's drug use. Tell that to the millions of children out there who have lost a parent, or who grew up in substandard conditions because their parents were more interested in getting and taking drugs than raising their kids right. Nobody starts taking drugs thinking they'll get addicted. Everyone thinks "I can stop whenever I want to." But the fact that they're still using, killing their body and their minds, says that they can't. Addiction just happens, whether you realize it or not. And by that point it's too late -- everything around you is teetering on the brink of destruction, all because of a stupid, selfish decision.
......
Well, it's done. My grandmother called to tell me she was going to the store, in case I tried calling. I told her I couldn't make it. She said my aunts and uncles would be there too, and I heard the regret in her voice as she said "well, do whatever you have to do. We'll miss you."
This isn't fair. Why should I have to be the one sacrificing and hurting because of what my dad has done? Same for my mom. She doesn't deserve the pain she's going through because of my dad's addiction to meth.
Please say there's a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel....
posted by Dani | 9:03 AM
1 Comments:
I'm sure that by now you have realized that what is going on with your father is not normal, my mother, who was my best friend and to me the worlds greatest women became an addict 3 years ago. I watched her lose everything and I mean everything, her business and her truck her marriage. I got married a year ago, she was so strung out that she didnt even care, your father doesnt understand what he is doing nor does he care. That fix is what he cares about. It has taken me a long time to talk about what my mother has become, my life has not been the same. I tried to help her but it came with more heart ache then I could bear, I'm 25 now and getting ready to have my first child my mother still does meth and could care less (its her first grandchild) Worry about you now, don't worry about everyone else. I;ve read what you wrote you have a good grasp on whats going on, life has a way of showing us what we need to see, and do.
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