Speed Kills: How meth destroyed my family

The painful journey of a 25-year-old woman through the divorce of her parents, and the death of her childhood, as a result of her father's addiction to methamphetamine. Note: Because of the blog format, you will need to read from the bottom post up.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Father's Day

It's Father's Day. I've been apprehensive about this day for a while now -- particularly since the incident with Jon and my dad happened. Friday I agonized over what to do. Do I send a card? Call my dad? Do nothing? Finally I settled on sending a card. I didn't want to do nothing at all. But I also didn't know if I could handle talking to him. I'm still angry over what happened on Jon's birthday, and I can't just pretend like nothing is wrong when it's very obvious my dad has a serious problem. To me, pretending everything is okay, and that my dad doesn't have a problem is the same as enabling him. I just can't do it.

Fast-forward to 7:45 this morning. I'm asleep in my bed when the phone rings. It's my grandparents. Did something happen? Is everything okay? A little bit of panic sets, and I wonder what could prompt them to call so early. I answer -- it's my grandmother. She apologizes for calling so early, but wanted to invite my brothers and I to an impromptu gathering tonight for Father's Day.

Fuck.

I make up some excuse about not knowing what's going on today, yet. I say I'm not sure if I can make it, but that I'll call her back in a couple of hours and let her know. Secretly I'm thinking "No! No! I can't go. I don't want to go. You don't understand -- this is wrong!" But how do I say that to my poor grandmother, who doesn't understand that something is wrong?

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I can go, put a fake smile on my face, and pretend like I'm having a good time -- mostly for my grandparent's sake. But then I have to continue pretending like everything is okay, when it's not. On the other hand, I can call and say I can't make it. But then I risk looking like a bit of a jerk and a flake on Father's Day. However, I don't know if I can handle it, emotionally.

I can't pretend like I'm not angry and scared and hurt. I can't pretend like my dad doesn't have a problem. I can't sit there and act like I don't see the elephant in the room, like everyone else seems content in doing. I don't want to put on this act until my father ends up killing himself, or hurting my mother, or something else tragic happens. I don't want to be standing there, mouth agape, saying "oh my, whatever went wrong?" like everyone else will do. Denying that there is a problem is the same as enabling it. And in my mind, when you enable, you're just as responsible for whatever happens as the person you're enabling. Sure, you probably can't stop the person from indulging in their destructive behavior, but at least you can expose the problem, and refuse to be a part of it. And then hopefully the person will wake up and get help.

I feel like I'm being forced to lose my father, and my family along with it. I just don't know if I can handle being around my dad while he's got this "secret" addiction. I can't deal with his psychotic conspiracy theories. I can't act like everything is okay for special occasions, and give my dad the impression that I'm buying into all of his bullshit. But, if I step away from my dad, I pretty much have to step away from his family. I don't know how I can go to family functions, where my dad is also in attendance. I cannot have a relationship with the meth. I cannot have a relationship with an addict father. So, what do I do? Shun my dad until he gets help and gets clean, yet still attend family functions as "normal"? Assuming my dad would also likely be there, I can't just ignore him the whole night, and pretend like he is not there.

This should be a much easier decision to make. Most people would read this and say "just don't go then." But it's not that easy. I always worry too much about other people's feelings -- sometimes to the point of sacrificing my own. I guess I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I always try to do what is "right," and what's the most considerate of others. Maybe it's my fear of abandonment that causes that. Maybe I'm afraid that if I do something selfish that others won't like me and will turn their backs on me. But maybe, for my own sake, I need to learn to be a bit of a "jerk" sometimes. I need to learn how to say "no" and feel good about it.

"No." Why does such a little word have to be so loaded? Why does it have to carry so much guilt and pain? How can a word that is so universally understood be so hard to speak?

But it's what I have to do. I have to risk looking like a "jerk" by turning down the invitation. Though, it doesn't save me from the next time. How many times can I say "no" before people just stop asking -- for good? And if I take this stance of not wanting to be around my dad until he gets help, it'll most likely mean sacrificing Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday celebrations... everything, until my dad gets better. I don't know if that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Yet, I also know I can't deal with turning a blind eye to my dad's addiction, and then acting shocked when my dad has a heart attack, or a stroke, or OD's, or kills himself, or gets arrested, or hurts my mother or someone else.

So, rock or a hard place? Which do I choose? God, this isn't fair. Why do I get to be the loser because of my dad's stupid mistake?

Anybody who says drugs are a victimless crime is an idiot. Try convincing my mother, who is losing her marriage, her dreams for the future, her family, her security, and so much more, that drugs don't hurt anyone but the user. Tell that to all the people out there like me that are struggling with coping with the unfair burden placed on their shoulders because of someone else's drug use. Tell that to the millions of children out there who have lost a parent, or who grew up in substandard conditions because their parents were more interested in getting and taking drugs than raising their kids right. Nobody starts taking drugs thinking they'll get addicted. Everyone thinks "I can stop whenever I want to." But the fact that they're still using, killing their body and their minds, says that they can't. Addiction just happens, whether you realize it or not. And by that point it's too late -- everything around you is teetering on the brink of destruction, all because of a stupid, selfish decision.

......

Well, it's done. My grandmother called to tell me she was going to the store, in case I tried calling. I told her I couldn't make it. She said my aunts and uncles would be there too, and I heard the regret in her voice as she said "well, do whatever you have to do. We'll miss you."

This isn't fair. Why should I have to be the one sacrificing and hurting because of what my dad has done? Same for my mom. She doesn't deserve the pain she's going through because of my dad's addiction to meth.

Please say there's a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel....

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Fighting the Devil

I've come down with an out of season cold. I rarely get sick as it is, so the fact that I've been hit now is a testament to how stressed I am. But right now I have an even bigger illness to fight - my dad's addiction to methamphetamine.

Monday morning, on the way out to work on BART, I was a complete zombie. To fellow passengers, I must have looked like a wreck. My eyes gazed coldly out the window, focusing on nothing, staring right through everything. The whole world looked different. It felt different. It was different.

After talking it out with a few people, the fog began to lift. This is no longer about the divorce. My dad has a disease. He's addicted to meth, and it's destroying his life. And it's only getting worse. It's probably going to continue to get worse.

Knowledge, no matter how disturbing, has always been comforting to me. When I don't understand something, I expend a lot of energy trying to figure it out. I can get quite obsessive, honestly. But, it usually helps me tremendously in getting through whatever problem it is I have. Ignorance, in my world, is not bliss. It's anything but.

So, I did what was normal for me then. I began researching meth like crazy. I needed to know what it was, what it did, how it started, who it affected, why it worked the way it did, how it could be fought, if it could be fought... My brain needed to conquer this.

Quickly I came to realize that this is not something that can just "go away." Meth is probably as bad as it gets when it comes to drugs. Think cocaine is bad? Meth is to cocaine as a nuclear bomb is to a microwave. Cocaine is easier to get off of. Meth is the Devil. From your first hit, it begins to take over your body, changing your body's chemistry, and remapping the neurotransmitters in your brain (pretty much permanently) so that you essentially cannot live without the drug. Once the Devil has invaded your body, slowly it starts to destroy your life. It shoves the real you way deep down inside, and locks you up so you can't get free.

Paranoia and delusions are known side effects of prolonged meth use. Not everyone experiences them, and the extent and manor in which they are manifested can vary widely, depending on the individual. The psychosis could be caused directly by the meth, in which case it goes away much faster after the user gets clean. But, it can also have been born from a pre-existing, but dormant condition that the meth triggered. In that case, battling the psychosis could be a lifelong fight.

There is no doubt in my mind that my father is suffering from amphetamine induced psychosis. And it's absolutely terrifying. I love my father very, very much. And I realize that if he doesn't get help, and get better, that he may die.

I know that I was trying to stay out of the middle of my parent's problems. But, this isn't "my parent's problems." This is my dad's disease that is affecting the entire family. I spent a lot of time over the last two days thinking hard about what this meant, and what I was going to do (if anything). I realized that I had two choices: I could do nothing, and hope that my dad hit rock bottom on his own, and chose to get clean, but take the very real and more likely risk that I'd be attending his funeral in the not too distant future; or I could try to do something, and face the very real risk that it wouldn't work, and that I could possibly lose my family and my father as a result of standing up to the Meth Devil.

You see, my dad's family has always had a tendency to "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil." We already tried to talk to my dad's brother about what was going on, nearly two months ago. He confronted my dad about the meth use, but my dad lied and told him he hadn't been using since February (fyi: meth users, paranoid or not, ALL lie, manipulate, and deceive those around them -- including themselves. It's part of the Meth Devil. It's a tool it uses to keep itself inside the user's body). My uncle fell for it hook line and sinker. He came back and took the stance that my dad didn't have a problem, that he wasn't using any more, and that my dad wasn't crazy. He even made some comment to the effect of "I've known hardcore drug addicts and meth users, and your dad isn't one of them. He doesn't look like them or act like them." YES HE DOES! He IS a meth user. He IS suffering from meth related psychosis. He IS sick and addicted. He IS suffering from other symptoms such as increased talkativeness, severe lack of sleep, increased energy, destruction of cherished relationships, and weight loss (particularly within the past couple of months), among other things!

My uncle's refusal to admit and accept that something is seriously wrong with my dad has me incredibly concerned. I could try to talk to my dad's family, and show them what is really going on. But, what if they don't believe me? What if they don't believe me because they don't want to believe me? What if they continue to enable my father, thinking he's not an addict, and he's not acting like a paranoid schizophrenic, because they just don't want to believe it? It's quite possible. And if they do that, I risk them alienating me as a "trouble maker." I risk losing my family, whom I love very much.

Plus, there are my brothers. At this point I don't know how convinced either of them are about my dad's delusions. I do know that my youngest brother, who has been living at my parent's house with my mom, has let my dad inside the house a few times since he left. And according to my dad, my little brother has been sneaking papers out of the house to give to him, so my dad could find more "evidence." This angers and scares me. First for my mom's safety. My dad seems to be thinking more aggressively, particularly with his threats of going to my mom's father's house, or tapping the phone lines. What if he gets into the house and hurts my mother? He hasn't been violent in the past, and he hasn't shown any serious indications that he's about to become violent. But, that doesn't mean he couldn't, and wont. Meth is a scary thing. The behavior of a meth addict can be highly unpredictable. And violence is another known side effect, particularly for those suffering from meth psychosis.

So, somehow I have to reach out to my brothers and convince them of what is happening. I need to try to get them to see that dad is sick and needs help. The longer they continue to fall for my dad's lies and manipulations, the harder a fall they are setting themselves up for. Plus, by them believing and supporting my dad's lies they are enabling his meth addiction, and preventing him from hitting bottom and realizing and seeking help.

Meth causes the user to stop caring about anything outside their addiction. The addiction takes top priority over EVERYTHING, including marriages, children, work, paying the bills, favorite hobbies, morals, values, EVERYTHING. Maintaining their body's need for meth (an actual physiological need, since every cell in the body has been trained to need meth to function) becomes more important than anything else in the world. That's why so many meth addicts lose everything. Eventually, if my brothers, or other family members continue to stay attached to my father like they are, my dad will "give up" on them, too. Eventually they won't be important. They may even stand in the way (either in reality or in his delusions) of him getting his "fix." And that will be a hard blow to all of them.

Pretending like this isn't happening will NOT make it better. So, I've decided that I must at least try to get through to the people who love my dad about what is happening. Boundaries have to be set, by everyone. We have to stop ourselves from trying to cushion his fall(s). He's gotta hit the ground ass first, all by himself, before he can even possibly start to think he may need help. And even then, it might not happen. Or his quest to get clean could very likely fail.

Let me assure you that I do realize that neither myself, nor anyone else, can convince my dad that he has a problem and that he needs help. The delusions he's experiencing truly are his reality. And only he can decide that he wants to get clean. Nobody else can do it for him. But, what we can do is set very strict boundaries, and enforce them. We can let him know that we love him but that we know he is addicted to meth. We can refuse to not believe the Meth Devil's lies and manipulations. We can pledge to be there for him when he decides to get help. We can refuse to enable him any longer so that perhaps he'll hit bottom and realize he needs help sooner. I also realize that NONE of that may even work. And I realize that by me trying to do something, I might be biting off more than I can chew. But I have to try.

I just hope my dad gets help before he ends up dead.

Monday, June 06, 2005

And the Plot Thickens...

Yesterday was my boyfriend's 25th birthday. In the morning, I got a phone call from my dad. He asked if my boyfriend was working, and I told him "no, it's Jon's birthday today." He told me he needed to talk to Jon and asked if I could have him call him. I made the stupid mistake of not asking my dad what he wanted to talk to him about. (As some additional background info, my boyfriend is a police officer.) So, I called my boyfriend and asked him to call my dad. My dad told Jon he needed to talk to him in person, needed his advice, and asked to meet with him. Jon met him half an hour later at a park near his house.

I arrived at Jon's house shortly after he came home from meeting with my dad. He told me that my dad pulled out a bunch of papers (like the ones he had been trying to show me and everyone else, as "proof" of what my mom had been supposedly doing). And he basically started trying to convince Jon that his paranoid delusions were real.

He also had new "information." He told my boyfriend that he now believes that my mother is part of a prostitution ring out of a nearby city (that is known for crime and gangs and violence). He said that through this ring my mother has access to over $100k. He also said that he found a piece of paper (one of his "tracings," I'm presuming) with six names on it, including my mother's. It appeared to him to be some sort of vote sheet. Two of the names, including my mother's, had a "no" after it. He claims that this prostitution ring had decided to have my dad killed on July 6, 2006, (he says now that this is when my mom's CD account is up) because he supposedly had found out too much about all this money. He said he was supposed to be shot during a drug deal gone bad in another local city notorious for crime and violence. He then went on to tell my boyfriend that my mother had been with 322 men through this prostitution ring. (If you knew my mother, you would understand how absolutely ludicrous this is. My mother is NOT a prostitute. She doesn't look like the kind of person who could be a prostitute. And morally and spiritually she is not that kind of person either.)

He kept trying to show Jon all of these papers he had. Jon told him that nothing he had would prove anything, and that they wouldn't hold up as evidence. My dad told Jon that he was thinking of tapping the phone lines to find out what was going on. Jon advised him against it, telling him that it was illegal. Then my dad said he knew that my mom's dad had a safe at his house (which is true) and that my dad thinks he knows the combination to the safe. And he thinks that my mom has been hiding money in there. He told Jon he wanted to go over to my grandfather's house, and Jon advised him against that, too. He also said something about my mom shuffling money from one account to like 32 other accounts, in an attempt to not leave a paper trail (which actually would leave MORE of a paper trail... wouldn't it?)

Then he told Jon that he thought he had my two brothers convinced, and that he thought he had his parents convinced of what was going on, and of what my mom was doing. He even said he's been having my youngest brother, who is still living in my parents' house with my mom, bring him pieces of paper (I'm assuming out of notebooks and notepads and stuff my mom has used), and that's how he's getting all this new information.

Then my dad said that he was worried that I didn't believe him. Jon reminded him that I didn't want to be put in the middle of his problems with my mom. And then he told him that unless my dad had official evidence that absolutely proved what he was saying, I wouldn't believe it. It pisses me off because almost two weeks ago I went out to dinner with my dad, and told him I didn't want to be put in the middle. And he told me he understood and agreed that neither myself nor my brothers should be put in the middle of all of this. And then he tries to drag my boyfriend in the middle, essentially to try to convince me!

Jon also told me that my dad was almost definitely on some sort of stimulant when he met with him. He pulled out this card officers use to help identify that someone is under the influence of something, and what it may be. He said that the indicators under stimulants (which includes meth) were exactly what my dad was exhibiting. And remember, my boyfriend is a cop, so he's trained to be able to detect when someone is on something. These were also the same symptoms my dad has been exhibiting off and on for the past couple of years.

Jon feels the same way I do now. He's very concerned for my dad, because it is obvious he is living in an altered state of reality, and truly believes that his delusions are real. And, he's concerned for my mother's safety, because my dad seems hell-bent on proving he's right... and the fact that he's using drugs make his behavior highly unpredictable.

At this point, I don't know what the hell to do. I am so scared for my brothers, too. If my dad really is convincing him of this stuff (they are 19 and 20, and not very emotionally or intellectually mature. And I know how confused I felt at first when my dad started trying to convince me weeks ago, because in a way he sounds so sane and rational, and like he really believes what he's saying. Plus, it's hard to admit that your dad has gone seriously crazy. So, I can only imagine the mental prison my brothers must be locked in right now). I don't know how to help them though. Part of me wants to just run away and not be involved... and I know that in a way it's probably what is best for me. But I can't stand by and watch my dad destroy my brother's lives with all this garbage.

I want to confront my dad, but I know it won't do any good. I want to tell his family that he's on meth (I know none of them, except my dad's brother knows -- and even my dad's brother is in serious denial about it, and doesn't think it's "that bad.") But my dad's family has always had a habit of sweeping things under the rug, and pretending like they aren't happening. They don't like dealing with things, and I don't think they'll want to believe this. So, I risk alienating my family. Plus, I don't know if I can have a relationship with my dad while he is in this sort of a state. I love my dad very much, and want him to continue being a part of my life. But, not like this. So, I'm afraid of losing him, too.

I'll admit I'm jealous of those of people whose parents have "normal" reasons for divorce. I wish it were something as simple as my dad decided to leave my mom for some 25-year-old, or that my parents had just grown apart and no longer were happy together, or some of the other typical reasons people get divorced. Why do I have to have a dad who is on drugs, destroying his life and the lives of everyone around him, and concocting all these horrifying conspiracy theories?!

I feel like a shell of a person right now. I felt like I was just starting to kind of pull myself up from all of this, and then my dad has to pull this crap, and on my boyfriend's birthday at that! I thought after going to my grandfather's 85th birthday party the weekend before (I ultimately decided I was more likely to regret not going, than going), that things would be okay. My dad seemed mostly normal. My family seemed inviting, and I felt like eventually things would settle down, and I'd still be able to have my dad's family in my life. I just figured I'd have to suffer with the depression and hurt of seeing my parents' marriage dissolve, and the anger and frustration over the implications that had for my own life. But this is all so much more than that.

Even after the meeting with my mom a week ago, (where she told us they were going to have to sell the house, and would probably have to do so sooner than we expected, and also that our family dog, who is 12, isn't doing so hot, and that there is a possibility we may have to put him down after the house is sold) I figured those were painful things, but they were "normal" and I'd survive it. It hurt like hell to realize I'd be losing my childhood home, and my childhood pet.

But those things feel like nothing compared to how I feel now. I'd give anything to just have my dad back to "normal." What's going on with my dad is so much more serious than losing the house, or our dog, or my parents divorcing. He's sick. He's addicted to drugs. He's destroying his life. And he's taking everyone down with him. And I feel so helpless and lost and scared. I really don't know what the hell to do...